I want to share one of the hardest experiences of my life with you because for me, sharing my experience and talking openly about the babies we lost was a very important step in the healing process. These babies will be a part of our family forever, and it’s nice to have others know they existed. Opening up about our miscarriage made me realise that my husband Jace and I were not alone in this experience and that there were so many others also struggling with pregnancy loss. I want to start the conversation and I hope in doing so I may help someone to feel less alone or help someone open up about their own journey.
Our journey started out just like it had with Maddie, we were one of the lucky couples who fell pregnant easily and because of this I think we both had taken the pregnancy for granted and assumed all would be smooth sailing. We were so very wrong.
At our first scan the shocks began. Towards the end of our scan our obstetrician found a second heartbeat, we were going to be having identical twins. I was floored by this news. Maddie would be, at best, 16 months old when we would have twins. So many thoughts and emotions ran through my mind, some I regret even now, but I have learnt that it’s human nature to panic and worry and so have now stopped beating myself up over it. Thoughts like ‘I don’t want twins’, ‘how will we cope?’, ‘how will Maddie cope?’, ‘I won’t be able to give all three kids the attention they need’, ‘what will my life be?’…..occupied my mind most days. I felt so selfish having these thoughts when I should have just been so grateful to be pregnant at all.
After 4 weeks I had got my head around the shock of twins, I was out the other side. I could see our twins running around playing with each other in the backyard, it was all going to be fine. By this time we were almost 13 weeks pregnant and ready to go in for our 12 week scan. The day before the scan I began spotting. I just knew instantly it was bad and blamed myself – how could I have thought those things and why was my body failing me?
A scan the next day confirmed the worst, both little hearts had stopped beating. Nothing can ever prepare you for seeing that image on the screen, whilst they were still in there it felt so empty, and we were both devastated. The coming weeks and months was a rollercoaster of emotions for us both and to add an extra emotion to the mix we fell pregnant 2 weeks after our D&C. I was certainly not finished grieving the twins and now had a new miracle that I was growing inside me. How do you feel so sad about something, and wish you were able to meet the twins but then also feel excited about this new person who is going to join us, a baby we never would have got without the miscarriage? To say the least, it was a tough few months.
I found the twins due date in June a very emotional time, all the sadness flooded back in. I still feel like I wish I got to meet the twins but now have moved through the grief and know there was a reason why they couldn’t join our family. I don’t have the answers as to why and I never will but I am now so excited to meet this baby who was destined to be ours.
I know there is an unwritten rule that you shouldn’t tell people before 12 weeks but I am so glad we told people earlier. I felt like if we didn’t tell people it would have been like these babies never existed. They did exist, we saw their little hearts beating and they were our babies. Having people know about them meant we had so much love and support through this very difficult time.
As a symbol of our twins who we lost in December Jace bought two Christmas decorations – an angel holding a baby and so in December every year we will have a special reminder of our two little angels that will always be a part of our life but who are not here with us. They will never be forgotten.
Pregnancy after miscarriage
I am now 32 weeks pregnant and I have found being pregnant after a miscarriage is not easy. We had a very tough time with this baby in the first 12 weeks, I had a huge bleed and I was sure it too was gone to but somehow this baby held on. I was lucky that I had the support of my obstetrician who scanned me every week but it was a small help in comparison to my level of anxiety. My anxiety was something that I knew I had to manage if I was going to give this baby a helping hand. As each week drew to an end and the scan was imminent the more nervous I got. Were my boobs still sore? Was I feeling sick? Did I feel like I did with Maddie? If I go to the toilet will I see blood? It was torture. I was going to the toilet 100 times a day. It was difficult for Jace to understand my emotions, whilst he was feeling it, how we coped was so different. I found he just couldn’t quite understand some of the female emotions I was feeling so I decided to tell some close friends when I was just 5 weeks pregnant, and it was a godsend. I could ring them and just blurt it all out, and sometimes I still just cried about losing the twins, but they were there for me in a way that I really needed so cannot thank them enough.
But the thing that helped me the most was speaking to a psychologist to try and get myself under control. I was out of control, the anxiety was making me crazy. She told me that the only information I knew was positive and that was their was a heartbeat, so when I find myself wandering off to ‘are my boobs sore’ ‘am I feeling nauseous’ I had to remind myself that they only confirmed news I knew was that there is a heartbeat. When I had the next scan then I would know the next fact. That thought stopping process really helped me get through the very long weeks.
With only 8 weeks to go in my pregnancy I am looking forward to meeting this little person who fought so hard to be with us. I truly believe now that this baby is meant to be with us for one reason or another and we can’t wait to see why. We will always be sad about our angels, and wish we got to meet them but are so grateful that we are going to add another family member to the mix very soon.