Miscarriage….I never thought it would happen to us!

NatMotherhood22 Comments

I want to share one of the hardest experiences of my life with you because for me, sharing my experience and talking openly about the babies we lost was a very important step in the healing process. These babies will be a part of our family forever, and it’s nice to have others know they existed. Opening up about our miscarriage made me realise that my husband Jace and I were not alone in this experience and that there were so many others also struggling with pregnancy loss. I want to start the conversation and I hope in doing so I may help someone to feel less alone or help someone open up about their own journey.

Our journey started out just like it had with Maddie, we were one of the lucky couples who fell pregnant easily and because of this I think we both had taken the pregnancy for granted and assumed all would be smooth sailing. We were so very wrong.

At our first scan the shocks began. Towards the end of our scan our obstetrician found a second heartbeat, we were going to be having identical twins. I was floored by this news. Maddie would be, at best, 16 months old when we would have twins. So many thoughts and emotions ran through my mind, some I regret even now, but I have learnt that it’s human nature to panic and worry and so have now stopped beating myself up over it. Thoughts like ‘I don’t want twins’, ‘how will we cope?’, ‘how will Maddie cope?’, ‘I won’t be able to give all three kids the attention they need’, ‘what will my life be?’…..occupied my mind most days. I felt so selfish having these thoughts when I should have just been so grateful to be pregnant at all.

After 4 weeks I had got my head around the shock of twins, I was out the other side. I could see our twins running around playing with each other in the backyard, it was all going to be fine. By this time we were almost 13 weeks pregnant and ready to go in for our 12 week scan. The day before the scan I began spotting. I just knew instantly it was bad and blamed myself – how could I have thought those things and why was my body failing me?

A scan the next day confirmed the worst, both little hearts had stopped beating. Nothing can ever prepare you for seeing that image on the screen, whilst they were still in there it felt so empty, and we were both devastated. The coming weeks and months was a rollercoaster of emotions for us both and to add an extra emotion to the mix we fell pregnant 2 weeks after our D&C. I was certainly not finished grieving the twins and now had a new miracle that I was growing inside me. How do you feel so sad about something, and wish you were able to meet the twins but then also feel excited about this new person who is going to join us, a baby we never would have got without the miscarriage? To say the least, it was a tough few months.

I found the twins due date in June a very emotional time, all the sadness flooded back in. I still feel like I wish I got to meet the twins but now have moved through the grief and know there was a reason why they couldn’t join our family. I don’t have the answers as to why and I never will but I am now so excited to meet this baby who was destined to be ours.

I know there is an unwritten rule that you shouldn’t tell people before 12 weeks but I am so glad we told people earlier. I felt like if we didn’t tell people it would have been like these babies never existed. They did exist, we saw their little hearts beating and they were our babies. Having people know about them meant we had so much love and support through this very difficult time.

As a symbol of our twins who we lost in December Jace bought two Christmas decorations – an angel holding a baby and so in December every year we will have a special reminder of our two little angels that will always be a part of our life but who are not here with us. They will never be forgotten.

Pregnancy after miscarriage

I am now 32 weeks pregnant and I have found being pregnant after a miscarriage is not easy. We had a very tough time with this baby in the first 12 weeks, I had a huge bleed and I was sure it too was gone to but somehow this baby held on. I was lucky that I had the support of my obstetrician who scanned me every week but it was a small help in comparison to my level of anxiety. My anxiety was something that I knew I had to manage if I was going to give this baby a helping hand. As each week drew to an end and the scan was imminent the more nervous I got. Were my boobs still sore? Was I feeling sick? Did I feel like I did with Maddie? If I go to the toilet will I see blood? It was torture. I was going to the toilet 100 times a day. It was difficult for Jace to understand my emotions, whilst he was feeling it, how we coped was so different. I found he just couldn’t quite understand some of the female emotions I was feeling so I decided to tell some close friends when I was just 5 weeks pregnant, and it was a godsend. I could ring them and just blurt it all out, and sometimes I still just cried about losing the twins, but they were there for me in a way that I really needed so cannot thank them enough.

But the thing that helped me the most was speaking to a psychologist to try and get myself under control. I was out of control, the anxiety was making me crazy. She told me that the only information I knew was positive and that was their was a heartbeat, so when I find myself wandering off to ‘are my boobs sore’ ‘am I feeling nauseous’ I had to remind myself that they only confirmed news I knew was that there is a heartbeat. When I had the next scan then I would know the next fact. That thought stopping process really helped me get through the very long weeks.

With only 8 weeks to go in my pregnancy I am looking forward to meeting this little person who fought so hard to be with us. I truly believe now that this baby is meant to be with us for one reason or another and we can’t wait to see why. We will always be sad about our angels, and wish we got to meet them but are so grateful that we are going to add another family member to the mix very soon.

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22 Comments on “Miscarriage….I never thought it would happen to us!”

  1. Wow Nat this is such an open and honest insight into your experience and I find it so relatable. I have had 2 miscarriages and have 2 boys as well! It is such a dark and awful time in my life but I have 2 rainbow babies to brighten it up and I am so thankful for that.. it makes me so nervous to try for another baby because all I think is that I will have another one and gee whizz it’s something I wouldn’t even wish on my biggest enemy!
    Thanks again for sharing & can’t wait to hear the upcoming news of your beautiful arrival.

    1. Thank you for sharing Lauren. I am so happy you have 2 beautiful boys that brighten up your life. We are lucky we have Maddie and this new baby – I feel grateful for that every day. I understand your thoughts re having a 3rd baby, the thought of miscarriage is terrifying. All the best with what you decide.

  2. Wow Nat what a heartbreaking story…..so sorry to hear of your loss! You are right that this seems like a taboo subject but I found that it was much better to share the grief. My husband was amazing throughout the whole process. We now have a 5yo daughter who is the best of my heart. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

    1. Oh I am sorry you have had to endure a miscarriage too but very happy you have a beautiful daughter who lights up your life. All the best ❤️

  3. So brave of you to speak out about miscarriage, which is so unfortunately common yet unspoken of. Tears running down my face! Such a sad and emotional journey you have both been on but a beautiful and precious end to this journey will be a healthy baby girl or boy who is meant to be your baby. This baby will mean the world and more to you & Jace, just like Maddie & your two angels x

  4. Oh Nat, I’m so sorry you went through this. It really is such an awful experience. We had the same just before Jude came along. A baby after miscarriage is such a conflict of emotions- you are grieving a baby that had you had would mean you wouldn’t have the precious baby in front of you. How are you supposed to feel about that? I’m so glad you are feeling better now. We’ll always remember them. Love you lots x

  5. In the wake of our 3rd miscarriage, for which the due date is next week, we know the struggles all too well. Of course it is different for each woman, but having someone of your profile give voice to the issue is fantastic. So many people are scared to talk about pregnancy loss, and your voice allows them more voice. Thank you so much for sharing!!!

    1. Oh Naomi, thank you for sharing and I am so sorry to hear of your struggle. I hope that you too are blessed with a rainbow baby soon. Thank you for your kind words.

  6. I too had a miscarriage early in my first pregnancy and a few months later I am now 16 weeks pregnant. I too had a massive bleed during this pregnancy and it scared me to death but luckily so far everything is ok. My anxiety is through the roof and everything you wrote about, I can completely relate too.
    I wish you all the very best for the rest of this pregnancy, it is such a precious gift and we should never take it for granted.

    1. Hi JB, congratulations on your pregnancy – that is exciting. Having a bleed after a miscarriage is terrifying but I am so glad that things are going well for you. I wish you all the best for the remainder of your pregnancy too.

  7. Oh my gosh, this post got me all choked uo with tears. I’m very sorry you had to go through this but thrilled for your wee family to be welcoming another precious being into the world very soon x

    1. Thank you Shannon. It was a terrible time but we cannot wait to meet our new little addition. All the best.

  8. Wow Nat, thank you for sharing your story and I hope when you see your little miracle that it will take away some of the pain from losing the twins! It is soo tough but you feel a lot stronger when you are able to get through something like this! We have been trying to conceive for 7 years without success and like you (but nowhere near as talented as you) love netball! We have had multiple miscarriages but life goes on! Thinking of you and wishing you all the very best for the future with your lovely family! ❤️

    1. Oh thank you for sharing! My heart breaks for you and your husband. It is such a sad time and I cannot imagine what you have both been through. Take care ❤️

  9. Dear Nat and Jace so sorry to read of your miscarriage. Our family wish you and Jace the very best for bubs birth. I have been there also and other family members so fully understand your feelings. Take care Will be waiting for your news.

  10. Hi Nat, so sorry to read about your miscarriage. It really is a Silent Mums. Club. So glad you had great support around you. I also have an Angel baby who we lost at 19.5 weeks. The grief still lingers , some days are harder than others and I am so grateful we got to spend a few hours with him. Take care enjoy the last few weeks and I will be waiting for your news. ????

    1. Hi Liane, I am so sorry for you loss. Thank you for sharing, it must have been such a terribly sad time for you and your partner. My thoughts are with you.

  11. Thankyou for your raw honesty and helping break the deafening silence for many that have suffered or are suffering in silence. Jenna

  12. Thanks for sharing your story Nat. I read this a few weeks ago and last week we lost our first baby at 8 weeks (I have read it again a few times since) . I think your experience of sharing your story really helped me and I decided to tell quite a few people what had happened. I think it makes it a little easier when others know what you are going through. Thank you and good luck for the rest of your pregnancy.

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